One

Somewhere in the world, a little boy turned one today. But I was not able to give him birthday kisses on his chubby cheeks. I was not able to plan his birthday party, or to decorate his birthday cake. As hard as it may be to imagine, remembering the birthday of my little boy in heaven is so much easier than this. At least with my first son, I know that the celebration he is having in heaven is far more beautiful than any I could plan on earth. While I miss both of my little boys desperately, the loss of my second son is so much more complicated to grieve.

I know not one other soul who has endured an adoption loss. Not one person who can guide me, or tell me what to do. I did not know how to mark this day, so I waded through it as best I could. And thanks to the love and support of my angel mom friends, the blessing and joy of my beautiful daughter, and the constant and unwavering companionship of my husband who walks this road with me, I survived the day.

Earlier this week, I drove by a party supply store. And as images of balloons and loot bags in baby boy colours flooded to mind, I dissolved into torrents of tears. The anticipation of this day has let loose the floodgates of grief held at bay by the need to function normally in my busy, complicated, and in most ways happy, joyful life. Today there has been no holding back the tears. Because today is not what it should have been.

Yes somewhere, my little peanut, you turned one today. And though I can’t hold you or kiss you, I can love and remember you. I can pray for you, and treasure my memories of you. There is a space in my heart that will always belong to you, my little Mr. Smiley. And that space feels bigger than ever today…

Mothers' Day

How is it possible for a broken heart to hold so much love? For a heart shattered and re-shattered to both shed tears and bubble over with joy? There could not be a more complicated day for me than Mothers’ Day. Joy, laughter, and thankfulness coexisting with sorrow…

This is the fourth Mothers’ Day I have faced with a child missing from my arms. But it is the first after having lost two. My heart aches for both of my little boys today. And I know that it always will…

Yet this morning, I awoke to the sounds of my little girl singing cheerfully. And I had the blessing of experiencing mommyhood in its simplest form, as I wiped and re-wiped a runny little nose, cleared sticky breakfast dishes, and buttoned up a polka-dot raincoat. I breathed in the joy of my little munchkin today, holding her closely and cherishing each baby-scented kiss…

Pink helium balloons greeted us at the entrance to the cemetery this morning. The parking lot was crowded, and the cemetery full with adult children remembering mothers. But somewhere quietly in the crowd I know there wept mothers mourning children, mourning along with me. Kneeling in the rain-soaked grass, I remembered my two boys as my daughter laughed and danced. And as the sun tried it’s best to peek through the rainclouds, my heart both wept and rejoiced…

My journey of mommyhood has not been an easy one. But never before I embarked on this journey could I have imagined possessing a heart so rich with love. Perhaps it is that infinite network of breaks and shatters that allows my heart to expand so widely. Perhaps it is only because of those painful fractures that my heart can now be filled with such love, appreciation, and thankfulness…

 

Thank you, my beautiful babies, for blessing me with mommyhood. I love all three of you more than words can express. And whether in heaven, in my arms, or in my heart, I am so blessed to have been given the chance to love you…